[...] Sometimes I look back at season 5, and I feel like Castiel treated Dean like a replacement God. A very annoying, very irrational God. Or maybe as a substitute for his heavenly garrison? I don’t know. But whenever Dean called, Castiel answered. Whenever the Winchesters were in danger, he did everything to protect them. And that’s why it was so terrible to see Cas lose it in 5.18. Sure we joke a lot about Castiel’s dominating in bed and the sexual tension or whatever, but all I saw was pain. I mean Jesus Christ, in that moment Cas finally realized that he’d put his faith into a weak, fragile little human. After millions of years of basking in divine certainty, of following a path that was pre-written and righteous and sure, of serving a Father who was all-powerful and all-knowing, there he was following a fucking HUMAN. An faithless, fallible, insignificant little thing who barely believed in the cause Castiel gave up his entire life to fight for. I can’t believe Cas forgave Dean at all.
[...] See, angels are absolutes. They’re the big picture, they’re destiny and fate and control, they’re certainty and self-righteousness and blind, steadfast allegiance. And that’s the opposite of what love is. Not healthy romantic love anyway, unlike the creepy cult-like faith the angels have for their absent dad. Love is uncertainty. Love is compromise. Love is being afraid of having your heart broken someday. Love is hope. Love is choice. Love is terrifying, it’s fucked up, it’s weak. It’s fickle and breakable. It’s trusting someone who doesn’t have all the answers, and is just as flawed as you. Love is willingly giving someone the power to completely destroy you. Love is freedom. Love is a prison. Love is dumb, useless, and human.
Can you blame Cas for wanting to go back upstairs? Wouldn’t you rather live in the certitude of heaven? Doesn’t it sound better to serve an omnipotent God, even an absent one, than to be in love with Dean fucking Winchester? Cas loves completely and destructively because it’s the only way he’s been taught how, and he would die for Dean. He would go through any suffering for him. He would make Dean hate him if he must. But Dean doesn’t want anything from him, he just wants HIM and that might be impossible to understand for Cas.
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